Time To Make My Bharat Mahaan!!!!

It’s been 65 years of being on your own and you are still struggling. A nation in a constant state of crisis, you hurt, you heal, yet you don’t learn from your mistakes or perhaps you do not want to. We chant Mera Bharat Mahaan, but ironically most of us think you are a nation propelling towards disaster. We rant, we fume and occasionally laugh at the inept bunch of fools we elected to govern. But I am a die-hard optimist and thrive on hope that someday all will be well. As a thinking citizen who cares, here’s presenting my quirky “ seven point quick fix program” to make you Mahaan.

1. Legalize Corruption: We can’t shy away from the fact that we are a nation of middlemen and touts. Corruption is so deeply entrenched in our system that it is now a part of our DNA profile. From the chief ministers to office clerks, everyone has a price. And being caught on tape accepting a bribe doesn’t necessarily jeopardize your career, especially if you can find someone else to bribe. So why fight a futile battle? Why not embrace it and showcase our under the table skills for the rest of the world to emulate. I suggest we launch an “Incredibly corrupt India” program - take people from across the globe under our expert tutelage and help them hone this extra ordinary skill. And let’s not trivialize it by calling it a bribe, after all our babus and netas expend much of their valuable energy and time in wheeling-dealing. Facilitation fee sounds more business- like and adds an aura of respect.
2. Showcase our politicians as role models for our youngsters: Scrap all the no brainer reality shows and replace them with a live telecast of the Parliament proceedings. Rahul Mahajan, Rakhi Sawant and all the desperate bakras can go to hell. The Lok Sabha session has all the elements of a pot boiler – drama, melodrama, table banging, slipper flinging, impassioned speeches by Mamata Banerjee. We can have Arnab Goswami throw disapproving glances and rebuke the pranksters of our politicos; Barkha Dutt running around with her mike asking the slightly saner ones “Kaisa lag rahaa hai apko”? The spiralling TRP’s will have the producers rubbing their hands in glee. And what a fun way to motivate and educate our youth with the nitty- gritties of politics. All the world’s a stage and all men and women mere players. Shakespeare will be sighing in ecstasy.
3. One woman solution for Kashmir: Kashmir burning while a clueless Omar looks on? A meek looking Manamohan Singh making a pitiful speech on National television is not enough. I propose we send Mayawati to placate the angry and disillusioned Kashmiris. One look at her scowling visage and the protesters will flee for their dear lives. She can also take Jyoti Kumari, the Bihar legislator of the gamla flinging fame for added effect.
4. Make stone pelting, effigy burning into competitive sports: An extremely effective way to utilize all the goons on hire who surface magically to protest against the escalation cost of tomatoes, rotting grains or demanding reservation for a newly discovered OBC. This will keep these trouble mongers off the streets and shift our cricket crazed nation’s attention to worthier sporting events. The cricketers in the meantime can pelt stones and burn buses to register their protest.
   
5. Ministers on foreign junkets should not be allowed to return. About 200 politicians and officials spent close to 45 crores of tax payer’s money to visit Melbourne, Beijing & London on “study tours” for the Commonwealth games. Just last month when Punjab was dealing with the worst flood in 20 years, Akali Dal MLAs flew off to Scotland to study scotch breweries. And sadly it is our money which is used to sponsor these junkets. Let’s ensure that these foreign junketeers stay behind wherever they go and dedicate the rest of their lives in path breaking studies. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
6. Water crisis and power outages. With our population multiplying like rabbits, we are a nation in a perennial state of shortage. The Ganges might dry up- the climate alarmists warn, China will soon monopolize the Brahmaputra and with the rains getting increasingly undependable our future doesn’t exactly look rosy. But the government needn’t despair. Encourage citizens to desist from water. It’s contaminated, causes diseases, why drink it anyway. Why have water when you can have cola? The poor are not our headache anyway. Power shortage can also be similarly tackled. Initiate get back to nature campaigns, encourage play in the dark activities. Open the doors and the windows and let the climate come in. See the demand plummet and soon we might just transform into a land of plenty.
7. Divide and rule but with a difference: We are a multicultural nation that speaks 16 official languages and 2000 dialects. On paper we are a secular nation, yet ours is one the most caste ridden society. And it suits the government. Leaders get elected on basis of their genealogy rather than ability, students are denied admission because they are not backward enough, village khaps endorse honour killings and in the guise of religious outrage mindless thugs force the country’s best known artist into exile. Quoting Jug Suraiya “social illiberalism has grown in direct proportion to economic liberalization”. So what do you think we do? I say, make the entire populace take a mandatory dip in the Ganges to wash off their caste rather than their sins. And let us adopt a two-party political set up. One could be the Indian Parliamentary Law-breakers (IPL), and the other the National Party of Troublemakers (NPT). We should have an Indian icon heading each because that is what will make all our lazy citizens make that trip from their homes to the polling station. Amitabh Bachchan and Shahrukh Khan. Sachin Tendulkar and MS Dhoni. Rakhi Sawant and Mallika Sherawat.....errr maybe not. Getting a party ticket will be based on the candidate’s proven track record in hand-to-hand combat and being heard over the din in cricket matches. Each party will reserve 33% of its seats for men, 33% for erstwhile members of various Senas (Shiv, Ram), 33% for people who have served out jail terms, and 1% for others. This will ensure that there is adequate muscle in our administration. Thus armed, our government can eliminate poverty, ignorance and sloth – not just their own, but also of the teeming billions out there.

I agree my seven point program will hurt like hell. Truth after all is a bitter pill to swallow. But you have to know at 65, you are still a gangly, pockmarked teen who has a lot of growing up to do. When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you really like what you see? On the eve of your birthday, here’s hoping you introspect. My best wishes to you and I pray to god that you turn into a woman of substance and allure, who the rest of the world looks up to. We may be unkind to you, ridicule you but you must always remember that we love you and will stand by you, come what may. Vande Mataram.