Me,My Ideas and My Country!!!!!!!!

Well, I have been spending quite some time thinking about what to do in LIFE and I was just wondering bout the consequences if this went for a very long long period. So, I decided to come up with 5 rock solid plans..

1. Creating Anil Kapoor sweaters : No, NO.. he is not the brand amabassador or fiat or Innova.. He is the raw material..:) Instead of using goat hair, We are going to use his chest hair to make sweaters.. For all those who are not aware of the extensive market research we have done....

• Almost 10,000 bald men undergo the weaving process and AK is the only source...
• His chest hair is said to account for 80% of his body weight.
• Ok, this might be gross.. But, Sonam kapoor needs to wax every hour.. roflmao..

2. Hydro electric power generation using Ekta Kapoor serials..
People just keep crying for more than half the episode in all her serials. So we have come up with a small power generation plant which will be kept in every woman's mouth. (1 teer do nishaan). The power plant in their mouths will ensure that they shut the fuck up and spare the human kind of the drastic disaster. For the way they cry, we believe we can generate around 10% of India's total power requirement.

3. Teaching Indian women to drive / ride.
This is the most lucrative business. There are around 57 crore women in India of which 15 crore are said to have access to a vehicle. Our market research has shown that all driving classes have failed to teach the womankind to drive. So we thought we will approach the problem in the tried and tested MAHABHARAT way.(We tried to replicate something like.... Abhimanyu learning to fight when his Mom was pregnant listening to Lord Krishna talk bout fighting etc).

We got an Indian lady married to Michael Schumacher in a car. She spent the next 6 months in the car with him. She got pregnant. She spent the next 9 months when the car was in motion. Everybody around talked about 'How to drive a CAR' and then she gave birth to Mike's daughter. Mike spent the next 20 years teaching his daughter to drive. At 20, we gave Mike's daughter a chance to drive. Mike's daughter just couldn't "DRIVE THE CAR"..

4. Training Indian men to stop staring at certain things..
Folks, one look and an appreciative gesture is justified. You can't just keep staring.. I mean what do you expect from them, GROW IN SIZE?? It just looks embarassing and Indian men got to stop doing this..

5. Social networking for the Stupid folks.. : All u baays and gaals out there who waants to do fraandsheep and romiances with each other.. here's a dedicated platform for you to show the world how LAME you are..

So, I have been travelling a lot and I am awestruck by the Indian diverse culture. But there are certian things I would like to tell you folks that will help you improve a lot. This might look like Russel Peters humor.. No Pun Intended.. I love my country and I am as much a South Indian as I am a North Indian.

My recommendations to the people of India :

@Kandus : Don't act like u r all pissed bout the floating population.. The weather has made u all LAZY and you are so freakin STUPID that the MNCs have to go elsewhere to recruit people..

@Mallus : You got to work on your accent lola kutties. You can't say I am gonna watch 'Condom of Shailesh' with my girlfriend and expect some1 not to freak out, even if u meant 'Quantum of Solace'

@Tams : You got to let the guys and girls interact at a very young age. Your chicks are too horny.
@Gult (Andhra) : Biriyani is not the only thing in this world. Stop eating spicy food. Go to Gujarat.

@Gujjus : Don't add sugar to everything.. Eating sugar doesn't make u sweet. It makes u fat and ugly.. You should change ur motto. 'Roti khake Potty Jaao, Potty jaake Roti khao' can't be it. You can't live to eat. You gotta eat to live.

@Bihari: Itne bachche paida karo ki ghar ghar jaisa lage, itne nahin ki ghar gaanv jaisa lage...
@Maharashtrians : Don't act like some1 raped ur wife when he says Bombay instead of Mumbai.

@Rajjus : Don't act all juvenile when some1 spills water on the table and start licking it. We understand that you were 15 when you first saw water, but there's enuf water outside.

@Haryanvi: Raat ko WALK karne niklo yaar, RAPE karne nahin..
@Dilli : Your chicks need to start putting on some clothes and stop behaving like they were all born in Pahaad Gunj..

@Bangaali : Stop wearing half a kilo jewellery and eating half a kilo fish everyday. One Bappi is enuf
@UP: This election, you have made it clear that u will not see Progress or Congress, Learn to vote..

@Goans : You folks should stop acting like you are COOL. coz that makes u look like a FOOL.. Don't wear some lame banians showing off ur wierdo tattoos of Christiano Ronaldo.. We understand that the Portugese screwed u for longer than the British screwed the rest of India.. But then, get over it .

@Punjabi &Chandigarhvi : First of all, I gotta admit that I have a thing for ur chicks.. Tashan mein, no other place can beat the chicks here.. But as they say beauty*brains is a constant. The chicks here are the stupidest possible. One instance at a bus stand in Chandigarh
Poor kid : Madam, Pocket Calculator lelo..
Smoking hot chandigarh chick : Mujhe nahin chahiye.. mujhe pata hai mere paas kitne pockets hain..
Poor kid : WTF????

@Rest of India : You gotta stop going to the MTV and Channel V shows and embarassing yourself

This is it...TIME to get SERIOUS in life..

The Myth Of Hindutva Terror.....

Hindus should unite against these evil 'Khangressi'...Take pride in Being a Hindu and stand united!
 
India is home to nearly 18 per cent of the world’s population. That’s a huge chunk of humanity in one country. Of this, nearly 82 per cent are Hindus. So naturally, it is a nation with a Hindu identity, irrespective of whether people with more “secular” outlook accept it or not. If Turkey can be called a Muslim nation and Germany a Christian nation, India is for sure a Hindu nation that functions in the form of a democracy.

Background:

Unfortunately India is one of the biggest victims of terrorism in the 21st century world. Interestingly, it has become very fashionable over the past 4 to 6 years to flash Hindutva “terror” or Saffron “terror” at the drop of a hat. Hindutva, is essentially an ideology which is pro-Hindu, and Saffron is a colour most associated with Sanatana Dharma, or Hinduism as the world labels it. Many people bring “Hindu terror”, “Hindutva terror” or “Saffron terror” into political and media discussions to score brownie points with the generally Hindu-despising crowd out there — the so-called secular people, communists, and some ‘friendly neighbours’ of who have a big stake in projecting Hindus in bad light.

Since Islamic terror or Muslim terror has been so much in news this century, some people felt obligated to bring in an “equal-equal” balancing act to emphasise their own secular credentials. Of course it would be stupid to say that there are no bad people who are Hindus. They exist. There are criminals, rapists, murderers and much worse people who happen to be from practicing Hindu family or just have a Hindu name. But ‘Hindutva terror’ or ‘Hindu terror’ is mostly meaningless as hardly any Hindu would go out and commit terrorism for the glory of the Bhagavad Gita or for attaining heaven for the sake of Krishna or Durga, or cite a Vedic mantra before blowing up a group of people. Hindu criminals surely exist, but Hindu ‘terror’(of the Islamist variety) is mostly imaginary. I have never come across an act of Hindutva ‘terror’ that killed even 100 people (that’s 0.8 per cent of the number of global terror victims in 2011) anywhere in the world in one incident. You can leave a comment below to educate us if you find this claim false.

Now let’s go beyond our opinions and claims. Let’s get some hard statistics from credible reports. Beyond the studios of some select media houses, does Hindutva ‘terror’, so fondly peddled by our neo-intellectuals, even exist? If it exists among 15-18 per cent of the world’s population, shouldn’t it be a very visible form of terror in international reports and news items? That too when India itself features among the 6 most terror-affected countries in the global ranking?

I found one very credible and internationally accepted report on the previous year’s terrorism statistics. I was actually hoping to see a lot of ‘Hindutva terror’-related information from this comprehensive world report on terrorism in 2011. To my shock, there was not even a single mention of ‘Hindu’, ‘RSS’, ‘Sangh’, ‘Saffron’ and other labels that Indian media regularly feeds us. There were 16 mentions of India in this 33-page comprehensive report, but not ONE mention of the word ‘Hindu’! I checked and rechecked, just to ensure that I was not missing something.

How did this happen?

How come the world’s most comprehensive report on terrorism from 2011 does not have a mention of even one terror incident involving ‘Hindutva’ or ‘Hindu’ which many politicians and mediapersons don’t seem to stop talking about in India?

2011 Global Terror Statistics:

You can download and read the entire report here from the official National Counter Terrorism Center website in USA. (Click here to download the PDF report)

After failing to find any mention of ‘Hindutva’ terror, I then extracted some key numbers that I hope Indian media stalwarts will read through and get a larger, global perspective. There were over 10,000 terrorist attacks in 2011, affecting nearly 45,000 victims in 70 countries and resulting in over 12,500 deaths. That’s a very large number of people getting affected, even though the number of attacks were fewer compared to 2007.

India features among the six countries most affected by terrorism in 2011. In Afghanistan, 3,353 people died due to terror attacks in 2011. Iraq saw 3,063 deaths, Pakistan saw 2,033, Somalia saw 1,101, Nigeria saw 593 and India saw 479 victims. These are purely terrorism-related deaths, and do not include deaths in religious / sectarian wars like in Syria where more than 20,000 people have died in 2011 itself. The war-torn Afghanistan, the unstable Iraq, and the very likely imploding Pakistan together account for 64 per cent of the terrorist attacks in the world during 2011. India’s most volatile neighbour Pakistan, with a long history exporting terrorism, saw an increase of 8 per cent in terror attacks compared to 2010.

Now let us come to religious demographics. I am not sure this even deserves mention, but something needs to stand in contrast to all the ‘Hindutva’ bashing in Indian media.:

1. In 2011, 56 per cent of the world’s terrorist attacks (5,700) were by Sunni Muslims. 70 per cent of the worldwide deaths were also OF Sunni Muslims.

2. Effectively, out of the 12,533 terror victims in the world in 2011, 8,886 were killed by Sunni Muslim extremists.

3. There were 279 suicide attacks in the world during 2011. Sunni Muslims conducted 93 per cent of these attacks.

4. Out of 12,000+ killed by terrorists in 2011, 6,418 were civilians. 755 were children. Nearly 90 per cent of terror victims, with their religion identified, were Muslims.

Amazing! What will the ‘secular’ columnists, who made a living bashing ‘Hindutva terror’ do now? Not ONE mention in the world’s most comprehensive report of Hindu ‘terror’. Not to mention the fact that an overwhelming majority of terrorists listed happen to be Muslims, whom these folks hesitate to highlight, thanks to their ‘equal-equal’ reporting mission. Is it time for them to get back to their ‘terrorism has no religion’ cliche?

2011 Indian Terror Groups per the Global Report:

Since India unfortunately figured in this list, it was necessary to dig deep into incidents involving the country, to find out who in India was killing that many people. According to the report, the top non-Muslim terrorist groups in the world were FARC from Columbia (carried out 377 attacks in 2011), CPI-Maoist in India (351 attacks), NPA-CPP of Philippines that struck 102 times and PKK of Turkey (carried out 48 attacks).

Here were the only 3 Indian terror organisations featured:

1. Communist ideology holding Communist Party of India – Maoist.
 2. Indian Mujahideen, the terror outfit that is alleged to have links with Students Islamic Movement of India (SIMI), for which the incumbent Foreign Minister of India Salman Khurshid was a legal voice.
 3. Harkat ul-Jihad Islami (HUJI).
 INTERFERENCE:-
The summary of the report is pretty clear. It’s unfortunate for India that it did figure as the sixth most terror-affected nation on this planet. However, even though Hindus form 15 to 18 per cent of the world’s population across dozens of countries, with an overwhelming majority in India, they had zero mention in the comprehensive world terror report for 2011. Not only was there no mention of the word ‘Hindu’ itself, all other related labels like ‘Hindutva’, ‘RSS’ etc. were absent as well. Among the three Indian terrorist outfits featured in the global report, two were Islamist and one was Communist. Ironically, it is the advocates of these very same ideologies that have been trying desperately to project to the world the imaginary idea of ‘Hindutva terror’ and the huge danger it poses to humanity.

I hope India’s top politicians, their speechwriters and media editors read this report carefully. Perhaps they would do better by getting back to the ‘terrorism has no religion’ cliche instead of discrediting themselves by peddling the non-existent ‘Hindutva Terror’

WHO made this dumb 'shit'de home minister?eh?cheap vote bank minority appeasement politics? SHAME ON YOU!! ******e
Be mum on real terrorism and start talking about imaginary ones!

So...Who's To Blame???

A status update i saw on Facebook said -
“My daughter turns 17 today. If she were in Delhi, she’d probably be a target for lecherous men. In the US, where she is, some gun-toting madman, perhaps. Can we live on the moon, please?”
Good idea , I thought- send all men to Mars and women to Venus.. At least we’d live in peace!!

And in reply to that, I saw comments saying “Thank God, living in Delhi, I have 2 sons and no daughter … It’s a shame on Delhi culture… Culture is responsible for all this”. Another says - “The horror lasted for 40 minutes with the girl … handover all 4 men to public for 4 minutes … justice will be done… else Govt.. will take 4 years to decide on justice and after 4 years they will be let free”
Another post I saw by someone else says – “If at all GOD existed, this wouldn’t have happened” followed by “Bhagwan par se vishwas uth gaya”(I’ve lost my faith in GOD! )
That set me thinking for a while… where did GOD come into the picture? All we do is blame someone for what’s happening out there instead of thinking of what can be done to set things right… and what we call GOD is probably the only one who can’t defend himself/ herself … So go ahead .. It’s a buy one get one free offer- God has given you a life – blame him/her for all your flaws free of cost!!
Handing the rapists over to the public for 4 minutes would get justice ? Really? What justice are we talking about? Although this public awakening is for good on one hand, all of us know that this sort of protest will not happen for every rape that happens in the country. Within a week of the gang rape that caused (is still causing) so much hue and cry, so many more rapes have happened (take a look at some such cases at here and here ) . Is the “public” ready to handle all cases of rape like this in 4 minutes? Lets all leave our jobs and go out with guns to kill rapists , what say?
Stoning these men in public or getting them capital punishment would only help achieve a sort of temporary satisfaction, as would increased police patrolling or increased security- that a wrong act has been rightly punished. But wouldn’t that be temporary? Tomorrow, if anyone who has political clout were to rape a girl, all of us know that her poor cries would fall into deaf ears or she herself, along with family would be put to “sleep” even before any one gets to know.
On wondering why men rape, I found an article by the Times of India (click here to read it) and was surprised. It suggests that even in India, rape is very rare in societies whose cultures have taught their men to live harmoniously with women and provide them with greater autonomy – Meghalaya, Nagaland, Darjeeling, and mostly other north-east regions. Doesn’t this suggest that reduction of such rapes requires us to live in a society that can learn to exist with women in harmony from the north east part of India first ?
India, as most of us know, is a plethora of varied cultures. Unfortunately ,most(if not all) of the religions and traditions that live in India treat the man as “superior” in most ways. Whether it’s about “selling off” your little girl to a man at her wedding, either in the name of tradition/rituals/ dowry ,or her being equally educated as her brothers, but not allowed to work like they are, or even worse, her not being educated at all since the parents earn enough to educate their son, but not their daughter.. In all aspects, our men are accepted as superior , since they are supposed to be the “bread earners” of the family . The biggest example I can think of to quote here is the big fat Indian wedding . As girls or women, all or most of us know that , our parents have started saving to get us happily married off since we were born. Whether it be jewellery, money , silver ware , or anything else, our parents start saving very early in life to get us married off. Although proud to have us as their daughters, they also accepted and lived with the fact that, although their little daughter is equally educated and is earning as much as any man who marries her, they, as her parents, are inferior to a man and his parents when it comes to the wedding of their little princess. Just like educating you or fulfilling your little whims and fancies as a child is a pleasure to them , they say “ its a pleasure to arrange for the world to watch my little daughter get married off”. According to them, it’s their duty/pleasure. It could be that they do it out of love. Does that mean , then, that an Indian man’s parents don’t love him at all ? Of course they do! But.. If you WANT to feel inferior to them, they will just treat you that way ! As the old adage goes- “You are what you think you are “!
If women and men have to live harmoniously in India, then we ideally should first start teaching our children how to do so- The only way to do it is to remove this feeling of “ I’m a girl , I shouldn’t be doing these things ”. Once your little girl reaches marriageable age, demand that the guy she gets married to(if hes as well off as you are) and his parents also share your expenses – A few families have already started doing this . Teach your little girls an art of self-defence like karate instead of asking her to not wear shorts or anything else she feels comfortable in. The process is gradual, and can only be accomplished over a period of few years- Capital punishment wont achieve anything but death of a so called criminal!

Education:A Billion Dollar Industry...!!!!!!

The first thing I noticed was the Sydney opera house in the background and the glitz and glory of the western lifestyle was clearly tickling my imagination. Sitting at the international admissions fair was like getting engulfed in a sea of beautiful dreams. Education in greener pastures has surpassed the quality norm way back. More often than not students get attracted to universities abroad by their sheer presentation of the supposed quality abroad. Foreign Universities have very well mastered the art of manipulating the minds of young people to garner admissions.

As shocking as it may seem the disparity in education fees for international and national students is huge in developed countries. For example - There is a certain course called Masters of Arts in Creative Writing, which is designed in a manner to help students with writing and poetic instincts to develop a better hand at their art. In UK without quoting the name, a university charges 11100 Pounds from an international student per year whereas it charges only half of that from resident students. Given that developed countries are developing extremely self-protective rules in case of immigration, it is a timely call to all those young people to measure up their pros and cons before they set upon a definite path. There have been several instances wherein students have finished their courses with utmost satisfaction but have not garnered jobs for themselves in foreign countries and thus they have had to come back to their homelands. And if they have loans, they have had to work over-time to pay that off because usually interest rates on education loans are extremely high. Also the education visa finishes the moment you are done with your education; hence it is a highly risky move to go for higher studies abroad until and unless you have a strong will-power and determination.

The situation in our own backyard is not very comforting either. Students have limited their career choices to medicine and engineering, resulting in a lot of medical and engineering colleges mushrooming all over the country in the past few years. This has resulted in the degradation of the quality of the education imparted in such streams. Even reputed names in such fields are charging exorbitant prices and imparting lower quality education and experience in return. Students have been engineered to make choices pertaining to their safe future which is quite a wrong perception because these things would hardly matter in the long run.

But think about it: When you are old, wise and grey, you will sit and ponder about the ‘ifs and buts’ of not having followed your passion. What if I had kept strumming the guitar for my band? What if I had kept writing poetry devoid of the concern of the real world? Life becomes a lot of what ifs if we don’t take a positive outlook towards our passion. But all this falls on deaf ears of ambitious parents. People laud movies like 3 Idiots, Wake Up Sid, Udaan and Taare Zameen Par on the very same subject but yet they fail to learn from the same problem.

Education is a perennial requirement which is probably why people in need of education will always be exploited by those offering services. Darwin’s theory of the survival of the fittest has become too apt a description for this industry.

Time To Make My Bharat Mahaan!!!!

It’s been 65 years of being on your own and you are still struggling. A nation in a constant state of crisis, you hurt, you heal, yet you don’t learn from your mistakes or perhaps you do not want to. We chant Mera Bharat Mahaan, but ironically most of us think you are a nation propelling towards disaster. We rant, we fume and occasionally laugh at the inept bunch of fools we elected to govern. But I am a die-hard optimist and thrive on hope that someday all will be well. As a thinking citizen who cares, here’s presenting my quirky “ seven point quick fix program” to make you Mahaan.

1. Legalize Corruption: We can’t shy away from the fact that we are a nation of middlemen and touts. Corruption is so deeply entrenched in our system that it is now a part of our DNA profile. From the chief ministers to office clerks, everyone has a price. And being caught on tape accepting a bribe doesn’t necessarily jeopardize your career, especially if you can find someone else to bribe. So why fight a futile battle? Why not embrace it and showcase our under the table skills for the rest of the world to emulate. I suggest we launch an “Incredibly corrupt India” program - take people from across the globe under our expert tutelage and help them hone this extra ordinary skill. And let’s not trivialize it by calling it a bribe, after all our babus and netas expend much of their valuable energy and time in wheeling-dealing. Facilitation fee sounds more business- like and adds an aura of respect.
2. Showcase our politicians as role models for our youngsters: Scrap all the no brainer reality shows and replace them with a live telecast of the Parliament proceedings. Rahul Mahajan, Rakhi Sawant and all the desperate bakras can go to hell. The Lok Sabha session has all the elements of a pot boiler – drama, melodrama, table banging, slipper flinging, impassioned speeches by Mamata Banerjee. We can have Arnab Goswami throw disapproving glances and rebuke the pranksters of our politicos; Barkha Dutt running around with her mike asking the slightly saner ones “Kaisa lag rahaa hai apko”? The spiralling TRP’s will have the producers rubbing their hands in glee. And what a fun way to motivate and educate our youth with the nitty- gritties of politics. All the world’s a stage and all men and women mere players. Shakespeare will be sighing in ecstasy.
3. One woman solution for Kashmir: Kashmir burning while a clueless Omar looks on? A meek looking Manamohan Singh making a pitiful speech on National television is not enough. I propose we send Mayawati to placate the angry and disillusioned Kashmiris. One look at her scowling visage and the protesters will flee for their dear lives. She can also take Jyoti Kumari, the Bihar legislator of the gamla flinging fame for added effect.
4. Make stone pelting, effigy burning into competitive sports: An extremely effective way to utilize all the goons on hire who surface magically to protest against the escalation cost of tomatoes, rotting grains or demanding reservation for a newly discovered OBC. This will keep these trouble mongers off the streets and shift our cricket crazed nation’s attention to worthier sporting events. The cricketers in the meantime can pelt stones and burn buses to register their protest.
   
5. Ministers on foreign junkets should not be allowed to return. About 200 politicians and officials spent close to 45 crores of tax payer’s money to visit Melbourne, Beijing & London on “study tours” for the Commonwealth games. Just last month when Punjab was dealing with the worst flood in 20 years, Akali Dal MLAs flew off to Scotland to study scotch breweries. And sadly it is our money which is used to sponsor these junkets. Let’s ensure that these foreign junketeers stay behind wherever they go and dedicate the rest of their lives in path breaking studies. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
6. Water crisis and power outages. With our population multiplying like rabbits, we are a nation in a perennial state of shortage. The Ganges might dry up- the climate alarmists warn, China will soon monopolize the Brahmaputra and with the rains getting increasingly undependable our future doesn’t exactly look rosy. But the government needn’t despair. Encourage citizens to desist from water. It’s contaminated, causes diseases, why drink it anyway. Why have water when you can have cola? The poor are not our headache anyway. Power shortage can also be similarly tackled. Initiate get back to nature campaigns, encourage play in the dark activities. Open the doors and the windows and let the climate come in. See the demand plummet and soon we might just transform into a land of plenty.
7. Divide and rule but with a difference: We are a multicultural nation that speaks 16 official languages and 2000 dialects. On paper we are a secular nation, yet ours is one the most caste ridden society. And it suits the government. Leaders get elected on basis of their genealogy rather than ability, students are denied admission because they are not backward enough, village khaps endorse honour killings and in the guise of religious outrage mindless thugs force the country’s best known artist into exile. Quoting Jug Suraiya “social illiberalism has grown in direct proportion to economic liberalization”. So what do you think we do? I say, make the entire populace take a mandatory dip in the Ganges to wash off their caste rather than their sins. And let us adopt a two-party political set up. One could be the Indian Parliamentary Law-breakers (IPL), and the other the National Party of Troublemakers (NPT). We should have an Indian icon heading each because that is what will make all our lazy citizens make that trip from their homes to the polling station. Amitabh Bachchan and Shahrukh Khan. Sachin Tendulkar and MS Dhoni. Rakhi Sawant and Mallika Sherawat.....errr maybe not. Getting a party ticket will be based on the candidate’s proven track record in hand-to-hand combat and being heard over the din in cricket matches. Each party will reserve 33% of its seats for men, 33% for erstwhile members of various Senas (Shiv, Ram), 33% for people who have served out jail terms, and 1% for others. This will ensure that there is adequate muscle in our administration. Thus armed, our government can eliminate poverty, ignorance and sloth – not just their own, but also of the teeming billions out there.

I agree my seven point program will hurt like hell. Truth after all is a bitter pill to swallow. But you have to know at 65, you are still a gangly, pockmarked teen who has a lot of growing up to do. When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you really like what you see? On the eve of your birthday, here’s hoping you introspect. My best wishes to you and I pray to god that you turn into a woman of substance and allure, who the rest of the world looks up to. We may be unkind to you, ridicule you but you must always remember that we love you and will stand by you, come what may. Vande Mataram.